Burnitt
Burnitt having blown their membership of the Football League in 2018 after only being there for about a fortnight, most fans can be forgiven for not realising that Burnitt Football Club have been in existence for over 100 years in various guises, having been founder members of North Finst Amateur Men’s Football and Table Tennis Division Eight, way back in 1895.
Formed from navvies and tarmacadam layers made reluctant from building Tottenham Hale station, under the leadership of Sir Rodney Effinghell-Smythe, millionaire chicken magnate and friend of Oscar Wilde’s father Percy, Burnitt and Enfield Sports Club made rapid headway up the divisions until interrupted by the Great War. Re-started in 1919 as Burnitt and Cockfosters Cricket and Football Club, more progress was made until Sir Rodney died in 1938 from chicken syphilis.
Sir Rodney’s only son Hugh Effinghell took over the reins and after WW2 took the re-named Bushey Burnet Bush Hill Botany Bay and Boreham Ballet and Boating Club to the brink of Division 3 (South) in 1954 before financial irregularities made him flee the country.
Years of stagnation followed until the arrival of flamboyant chairman Stan Flashgit in 1979, and now re-re-re-named Burnitt FC made it into Division Four of the Football League in 1983 when four rival teams mysteriously went bankrupt in the last days of the season after a card game at Stan’s mansion.
Mercurial manager Barry (Fat Judas Bar-steward) Mcfly took the team to the dizzy heights of twelfth in 1993 before the rotund git had a panic attack and resigned.
Relegated to the Condomference, then promoted back to Division Four in 2005, then relegated in 2013 after playing their last ever game at the Underpants Stadium, famous for its slope which meant that during the winter it was used for skiing practice.
Burnitt re-entered League Two after winning the Condomference title in 2015 but dropped back to the National League in 2018.
A new ground has been built, named Hives Arena, partly sponsored by the local council and NHS Trust, and the management are currently fighting against the renaming of the club to Urticaria All Rovers.
A new team strip of pink shirts and red blotches is also being fiercely resisted, mainly with creams and antihistamines.