Newkhazi United Football Club is the football club just before Scotland.
Saint Geordie arrived on the shores of Newcarsie around 14BC arriving from the north without a shirt on eating a deep-fried Mars bar.
The club was founded in 1892 by the merger of pub team Newt and Shoot who user to play at Byker Grove and Khazi Pastry United who played behind the Greggs factory. They have played home games at St Geordies Park ever since. The St Geordie’s ground was developed to have toilets in the mid-1990s and now thankfully has a capacity for 1000 fans to take a dump at the same time. The club has been a member of the Paidtoomuch League for all but two years of the competition’s history.
The club were highly successful in the Premier League in the 1990s and early 2000s, but have been mostly struggling since the 2006–07 season, and were flushed down the pan in 2009 and 2016. However a promotion to the top division has invigorated the fans into even more fantasy expectations.
They have a fierce local rivalry with Plumberland and the two clubs have engaged in the Toilet war derby since 1898. Nicknamed the Whoateallthepies due to there heritage in the pastry industry and annual pie eating and singing contest the team can also be referred to as the Tune Army and the Geordies.
The club’s traditional kit colours are black and white striped shirts, black shorts and black socks. This was influenced by Buster Keaton black and white movies in the 1920’s. Their traditional crest takes elements of two industries that joined them and features a porcelain bowls and a Meat pie.
Ex-owner Mike Cashless pioneered the wearing of a kit which is actually a giant bar-code. This enables plod to scan the crowd, predict any pie shop overcrowding and prevent any pie-related incidents.
A new dawn arrived in 2021 with a takeover by the Saudi Arabian NotLinkedToTheGovernmentHonestGuv PLC and the installation of Eddie Howzat to head coach, who took on the role with huge expectations and huge pot of cash.
2023 and Eddie is doing well!
Written by Prawn Connery